Matters of Heart & Mind Series
My daughter is in grade IV. She came back with her English test result the other day. It was an all-time low score for her. She herself was quite upset about it; yet I too wanted to give her a piece of my mind. I wanted to give her all the gyaan on how she was on the road to becoming complacent and careless. How her grades will continue to fall if she stays on this path and how she will fail on the tougher tests that lie ahead in her life if she doesn’t improve now. In short, I wanted to ‘react’ and not ‘respond’.
Fortunately, for her and for me, my husband was at home. He knew what path I was heading to, so he calmly took over. He discussed with her what went wrong, he joked with her about a silly mistake she had made and in the process made us all laugh. The tension was gone in a split of a second and I was left with a smile on my face – thinking why can’t all parents have this ‘zen’ like calmness about them, especially when it comes to handling stressful situations.
For some people, this calmness comes naturally – as a part of their personality. This is how they are – be it in any stressful situation, at work or home. But for the most of us, this art needs to be learnt. As an organizational psychologist, I am an advocate of creating mindful workplaces; however, practising mindfulness while parenting can be a good place to start. Not only will we be able to extend this practice in our work lives, we will also pass on this important trait to our children – as they are constantly watching us and learning from our behaviour.
What is Mindfulness & Mindful Parenting? Mindfulness as defined by Jon Kabat-Zinn – the founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program at the University of Massachusetts Medical Centre is, “Paying attention in a particular way; On purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgementally.” In short, mindfulness is about being present – here & now, without judging. Mindful Parenting is an extension of this concept, applied to a specific setting – parent-child interface. Community of Mindful Parenting defines Mindful Parenting as, “an ongoing process of intentionally bringing moment-to-moment, non-judgmental awareness as best as one can to the unfolding of one’s own lived experience, including parenting.”
Benefits of Mindful Parenting: Siegel and Hartzell in their study have suggested that mindfulness in parenting can promote secure attachment relationships. Another research carried out at University of Vermont has established that parent dispositional mindfulness leads to mindful parenting which in turn can lead to positive parenting practices (such as warmth, non-judgement, present-centred attention) which further leads to lower levels of youth internalizing and externalizing problems (across all age groups of children).
Tenets of Mindful Parenting: In their research, Duncan, Coatsworth, & Greenberg have highlighted five dimensions of mindful parenting – a) listening with full attention b) non-judgemental acceptance of self and child c) emotional awareness of self and child d) self-regulation in the parenting relationship e) compassion for self and child. If we observe closely, these five dimensions are interrelated and stem from being an emotionally intelligent parent. That is, our ability to read, comprehend and manage our as well as our child’s emotions.
You can become a Mindful Parent too: While many of us might think that this is an ‘easy to know, difficult to follow’ concept; nothing can be further from truth. The basic premise of mindful parenting is ‘awareness’ – about ourselves, our thoughts, our emotions, our actions. Few simple yet profound strategies mentioned next can act as good starting point of all those willing to tread the path of mindful parenting:
Becoming Self-Aware
“He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.” – Lao Tzu
Self-awareness is the cornerstone to being mindful and being mindful is the key to being self-aware. Thus, both go hand in hand and can help us become emotionally intelligent and mindful parents. We can start by being good listeners, stop operating on ‘auto-pilot’, and try to eliminate our biases and prejudices. The idea is to become conscious of our thoughts, emotions, and understand how they affect our actions and in turn our relationship with our children.
Responding instead of Reacting
“When you REACT, you are giving away your power. When you RESPOND, you are staying in control of yourself.” – Bob Proctor
Reacting to any situation is an instant, unthoughtful, unmindful outburst which is often reflected in the form of anger, and yelling. This not only worsens the relationship between the two parties involved (parent & child in this case); it also doesn’t aim at finding a solution to the core issue. Reacting is controlled by emotions and is often a knee-jerk reaction. Responding on the other hand, involves taking a pause when faced with any stressful situation, such as when children fight or they break something expensive. It involves conscious thought over an issue and often leads to better long-term resolutions.
Mindfulness in Tough Times
“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” – Jon Kabat-Zinn
It is easier to be a mindful parent when all is going well – when kids are finishing their meals on time, when they are completing their homework, when they are not throwing a tantrum, or when they are scoring well in exams. The real test for us lies when things are not going according to plan. Calming our nerves, not reacting, possibly even walking away from the situation for a while till we ease our nerves and calm our anger comes in handy in difficult situations. Mindfulness though easier to practise in easy times, is even more required in the challenging moments. Melli O’Brien – mindfulness teacher and practitioner, recommends R.A.I.N process for using mindfulness in tough times. ‘R’ stands for Recognizing what is happening; ‘A’ is for Allowing life to be just as it is; ‘I’ is for Investigating inner experience; and ‘N’ stands for Non-identifying of self with our thoughts and emotions.
Mindful Parenting is the key to raising happy, creative, healthy, confident children – something which every parent wishes for. The good news is that even if the children have grown up or have already reached adolescence, it is never too late to start. Most importantly, mindful parents raise mindful children who in turn become mindful citizens and human beings – something which our society needs more today than ever.
First published in Hitavada
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