Ten years ago, when I was leaving the corporate job that I loved, to raise my first born, my mind was clouded with unanswered questions, uncertainties, fear of the unknown, indecision, uneasiness and of course the biggest monster of all – self-doubt! For I didn’t know a single thing about raising another human being – I had never even watered a plant in my life or petted a dog. The monster thus constantly fed on my insecurities and inexperience, and hurled stress, anger and anxiety at me.
I learnt of course – the hard way, for there is no easy way to be a parent. The child doesn’t come with a manual, she doesn’t go by the books which experts have authored, and their agendas in life are quite conflicting with ours (for instance, they want to wake up when you don’t and sleep when the sun is high in the sky). Anyhow, time and its paramour life are the greatest teachers and they taught me to enjoy the ‘moments’ (for they make up life), they taught me patience, they taught me to embrace change, and most importantly, they taught me love – for my child as well as for myself.
Gradually, the self-doubt monster started starving – for happiness and contentment are rather bland for its taste. I was happy thinking that it had magically disappeared – for good. However, it had only gone into hibernation! I could feel the monster tossing and turning, about to wake up from its deep slumber two years ago when I was starting on my entrepreneurship journey. Eager to stay out of reach from its fierce grip, I gave it a cold shoulder and carried on my journey. For I was getting more and more experienced in dealing with it.
The monster however remained awake, ready to crush my spirit – just waiting for the right moment. Our battle restarted when it was time for me to convert the dream of this magazine into reality. We both had our moments and I was successful in winning this bout.
Here’s how I was successful in taming the self-doubt monster.
Exploring the source of self-doubt
The foremost step is to identify the origin and address the root cause of self-doubt. Often, it arises due to long persisting negative beliefs which are mostly unrealistic and inaccurate. A self-discovery journey needs to be undertaken to identify the source of these beliefs. The beliefs may have developed in childhood due to authoritarian custodians, unfulfilled wishes or past failures. For anyone dealing with self-doubt, it is important to understand that we can choose to free ourselves from our past, as it doesn’t dictate our present or future; only our mind and determination does.
Practising gratitude
They may sound unrelated but ‘practising gratitude’ & ‘self-belief’ go hand in hand. Being thankful for the blessings and joys we have is crucial to boost our self-esteem, thereby lowering self-doubt. Gratitude, just like charity, needs to begin at home and we must thank our own qualities and virtues before moving on to any one else. It makes us content and love ourselves, thereby reducing envy and resentment – two emotions which fuel self-doubt.
Surrounding ourselves with those who matter
Especially those who bring out the best in us and help believe in our best versions. These people prove to be a great source of encouragement and strength. They also make for a great sounding board and can help us put our fears of inadequacy in perspective. And it goes without saying – stay a mile away from those who are pulling us down, those who undermine our qualities and achievements and those who are generally negative in their attitude towards life.
Living by these principles
I flood my head with these two philosophies or mantras the moment I feel threatened by self-doubt. These play in my head – on a loop till I salvage my confidence.
karmanyevaadhikaaraste maa phaleshu kadaachana |
maa karmaphalaheturbhuu maatesangotsvakarmani ||
This very popular shloka from The Bhagavat Gita talks about focusing only on the action, and not on its fruit. Self-doubt arises the moment we start fearing our inability to reach our goals. If the focus remains on the journey, more than the destination, the entire process become much more satisfying.
Que Sera Sera (Whatever will be, will be); The future’s not ours to see
These lines of a song from a Hitchcock film can help us overcome the fear of future, the fear of unknown, the fear of failure – things which are completely out of our control, things which amplify our self-doubt.
Identifying and overcoming the Imposter Syndrome
Most of us don’t respect ourselves enough to believe that our successes and achievements are anything but a big fluke, just a stroke of luck. This attitude of self-sabotage, self-loathing is known as ‘Imposter Syndrome’ – where we believe our success is a lie which is waiting to be exposed. Instead of doubting our capabilities, talent and intelligence all the time, we need to learn to start giving credit to ourselves when we deserve it. Owning our success and realizing our worth is important to nourish our self-esteem and confidence.
Self-doubt leads not only to low self-esteem and dwindling self-confidence, it can be a major source for anxiety, procrastination and fear. The sooner we wage a war against this monster, the more likely we are to win.
As for me, my monster is gravely injured but it is waiting to strike when I am at my most vulnerable. It is ready to fill my mind with – you can’t, you shouldn’t, you mustn’t, what-ifs, if-only and all the other jibber-jabber. And here I am, ready to fight with all that I have in my arsenal – my passion, abilities, hope, optimism, courage and faith.
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